OKOTORIGBA

I’ve had a lot, I’ve seen a lot.

This was the month where everything seemed so slow and yet so fast.

Sigh.

From where do I begin?

May was the month when I broke to a thousand pieces, in the presence of so many people, and yet no one seemed to notice. I spent every day of the month comforting people with the same words I needed to hear, giving out the same hugs I so desperately needed, spewing the exact words I so earnestly wanted to believe.

May.

“You’ve been missing classes lately.” “I’ve not seen you in a while.” “You look stressed” “This this that that.” Yes. I suddenly thought it was a good idea to abandon my academics in 200 level and go MIA, and oh! I thought those eyebags would really complement my skin tone, so yassss! Why not get them?✨

Torr. Like those weren’t the days I found myself slipping out of reality and like I wasn’t warring to not lose myself.

May.

I stood, and I watched myself pour out from myself till there was no more left to pour, and somehow, just somehow, I watched myself continue to pour and pour and pour and pour and pour, and be in a crowded room and still feel lonely, and be the liveliest person in the room, and yet be thoroughly shattered by the emptiness, and the lingering feeling of self pity.

Chineke May. This was definitely not the plan.

May.

I lost a lot this month till it felt all too natural to lose. Ke been there, done that. What did I not want so badly yet lose so grievously?

I lost my sanity, my usual strong will, a chunk of myself, my floral handkerchief, and my girlfriend, Victory.

For once in my life, I felt a strong urge to give everything up.

Our relationship was one of a kind. The type that appeared so minute, so insignificant but yet meant so much.

We hardly talked about casual things, we just kind of had a built-in conversation routine. Like how we always talked about our grades and how we always talked about how poorly we thought we would perform in our exams and how we ended up passing anyway. Casual things, very casual yet really deep things.

Till I looked up her name to cry about my big fat Delilah, expecting her to first reply with a “Guyyyyyy” and that sticker of a lady doubling up in laughter, and then proceed to console me by narrating a more a miserable thing that happened to her sometime ago, that I would laugh till I forgot what exactly I was sad about, but then it hit me. She wasn’t there, and may never be again.

You see how I keep using ‘may?’ That’s because there’s still this teeny bit of hope that maybe, somehow, someday… I don’t know if anyone gets me here.

May has left me with a scar-like fear, or a fear-like scar or any or both. And no, it’s not just the fear that she may never return to me, it’s the fear the one day, my WhatsApp will suddenly go through an update, and there would be nothing tangible left to hold on to. No voice messages, no former texts, no tea. Nothing. Just empty heart wrenching sighs and 2Corinthians 1:3-4.

I’m saving this here because I want to keep coming back, and I want to present evidence that my girl, Vicky, is more breathtaking than a punch to the guts, and that she actually is too fine to know me, but yet she loved me.

When Vicky left, I unlocked a new level of ‘missing someone’ which I never thought existed; the type that claws at your insides but you never want to let go of.

She’s one of the persons who never for a day saw me as Chioma Amadi. I was just “Chooma” to her. The weak Chooma from 2021. With her, I could make small talk, beg her to carry me to Jersey Culture Fiesta and Face of Awada, and still talk about my silliest fears.

She was right. My entrepreneurial studies training ended today, and them no chook me eye pencil for eye. I actually enjoyed it, if I’m being honest.

But I can only talk about it on my Substack like I’m doing now.

Okotorigba.

I have a lot to say but there’s no guarantee that it would be any different from not saying anything at all.

I just have deep sighs, wishes and regrets. I wish I had told her how much I loved her back on this day and on all other days. I wish I hugged her tighter the last time we met. I wish it didn’t have to be her. I wish I got the chance to be her camera woman on the day she would finally sign out. We had plans. Plans for big future stuff.

Nothing seems to be going away with time. My heart is down, my heart is spinning around.

May ends in a few hours, and I can’t believe so much time has passed already.

Time will pass, but it will never be the same again, it will never be the same again.💔

I’m hopeful that June will come with healing, and June will come with happiness. I’m hoping against hope, and I’m putting my trust in God.

Ozoemezina.